Taking children to funerals

Deciding whether a child should attend a funeral is a very personal choice, and every family will approach it differently. Many parents and carers worry about how a child might respond to the experience or whether they will feel comfortable taking part in the service. In many cases, children cope well when they are given age-appropriate information about what to expect, have the opportunity to ask questions and feel included in the arrangements. Having a trusted adult available to support them on the day can also help them feel more comfortable and reassured. For many children, attending a funeral can provide an opportunity to say goodbye, remember their loved one and feel included in an important family occasion. It can also help them better understand what has happened and feel supported in their own grief journey.

A few simple considerations can help you decide what feels right for your child and your family.

• How much do they understand? Every child is different, and their understanding of death and funerals is often more important than their age alone.
• What are the circumstances of the funeral? Some situations can be more difficult to navigate than others, particularly following a sudden or unexpected death.
• Will they have support on the day? Having a trusted adult available to answer questions, provide reassurance and focus on their needs can help children feel more comfortable and included.
• How do they feel about attending? Once you've explained what a funeral involves in an age-appropriate way, give them the opportunity to share their thoughts. Many children find comfort in being included and having the chance to say goodbye in their own way.

Many children have never attended a funeral before and may not know what to expect. Their understanding may come from television, films or snippets of conversations they have overheard. 

Taking time to explain what will happen can help them feel more comfortable and prepared for the day ahead. Describe the service in a simple, age-appropriate way and encourage them to ask any questions they may have. Honest, reassuring conversations can help children feel included and supported, while giving them a better understanding of what to expect.

Our guide to explaining death to children covers the wider conversation.

Many children want to give something to the funeral of a person they loved. Having a job to do helps them feel part of it, and gives the day a shape they can hold on to.

• Writing a poem, a letter or a few words, read out by them or by an adult.
• Drawing a picture to go inside or on top of the coffin.
• Helping choose the music or the flowers.
• Lighting a candle, or handing out the orders of service.

A little planning takes the pressure off everyone.

Sometimes attending is not possible, or the child decides they would rather not. That decision is easier to live with if they have a goodbye of their own.

• Let them light a candle or say something at home while the funeral is taking place.
• Plant something, or make a memory box of photographs and small keepsakes.
• Take them to the grave or the place of the ashes later, when it is quiet.
• Tell them afterwards what happened, in the same plain terms you would have used beforehand.

What matters is that the death is real to them, and that they had a chance to mark it.

• Child Bereavement UK supports children, young people and the adults around them on 0800 02 888 40, Monday to Friday, 8am to 8pm.
• Cruse Bereavement Support offers free support on 0808 808 1677, and Cruse Scotland on 0808 802 6161.
• A school should be told about the death, so staff know why a child may be struggling.

More on children, grief and funerals.