Coping with grief and loss

Grief is a natural reaction to loss. It’s a personal experience characterised by some shared physical and emotional symptoms which are often unpredictable and determined by individual circumstances. The duration and severity of those symptoms depend on the individual’s ability to cope with their loss and adapt to its challenges. 

Although this guide is about grief after the loss of a loved one, it is important to note that any major loss can provoke grief. That includes the loss of a pet or a job, financial losses, divorce or a breakup, loss as the result of theft, loss of a person’s independence due to disability. 

It is quite normal to be shocked at the news about your loss and to refuse to accept it at first. When someone close to you dies, you may also be angry, insecure and fearing life on your own, particularly if you are grieving the loss of a spouse or a partner. 

Shock 

Witnessing or learning about the death of someone you love can leave you in shock and numb your senses. It’s often followed by expecting to see that person and refusing to accept their death. These reactions are normal and they are part of the early stages of grief. 

Anger 

Being angry with yourself, a doctor or the person who died is a normal response to your loss too. You may even feel the need to blame someone for what’s happened or hold them responsible for the injustice. Not everyone feels angry but if you do, find a way to address the anger and express it in a way which doesn’t leave unintended consequences. 

Sadness 

Feeling sad and crying after the death of someone you love is one of the most obvious symptoms of grief. While not everyone cries when they’re sad, crying itself is not a sign of weakness. Tears allow you to discharge your pain and heal. 

Fear 

Losing a loved one can provoke a number of fears including those related to your own mortality. Those fears include the feelings of being helpless, worried about the future and life without that special person. Some people become anxious and experience panic attacks while others feel insecure and helpless on their own. 

Guilt 

Depending on the circumstances, you may feel guilty that you didn’t do enough to prevent the death of your loved one even though it wasn’t anyone’s fault. The relief in the cases of death after a long illness can also be a trigger for guilty feelings. You may even feel guilty about things that you did or didn’t say or do. 

Grief doesn’t limit its effect to a series of feelings and emotions. It comes with some very clear and persistent physical symptoms too. Quite often, bereaved people suffer different aches and pains, fatigue and lowered immune system or they experience weight changes and disturbed sleeping patterns. Most of the physical symptoms of grief are due to the increased stress and trauma of losing a love done. 

Fatigue 

Extreme tiredness and exhaustion are the first and most prominent physical symptoms of grief. The fatigue becomes chronic and you are likely to struggle to get out of bed and find the energy to carry on with the rest of your day. 

Be patient with yourself and make sure that you eat a healthy diet and you keep hydrated. If you are able to, slow down and work on lowering the stress by meditating, listening to relaxing music, exercising or doing deep breathing exercises. 

Aches and pains 

The fatigue and stress of grieving can make you tense and achy. You may suffer severe headaches, backaches, tightness in your chest area. That’s your body’s way of telling you that you need to slow down and start caring for it. 

Consider meditation and other activities which help to reduce stress. Do some stretching and if you are able to, book a massage to get rid of the tension and to relax your muscles. If you suffer chronic pain, make an appointment to see your doctor. Don’t self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. 

Lowered immune system 

The constant release of stress hormones and the potential fatigue are may result in a weakened immune system, which can make you more prone to sickness and illness. Older adults who are grieving often suffer worse. 

You can strengthen your immune system by reducing the stress and getting a good night’s sleep. Eat a healthy diet or at least make sure that you get the vital nutrients, vitamins and minerals required for the normal functioning of your body. If you are an older adult, make an appointment to see your doctor who can assess your health and if needed, prescribe supplements to boost your immune system. 

Weight loss or weight gain 

There is a deep connection between our physical and emotional health which can affect the digestive system. That’s why some of us turn to comfort eating in stressful situations, while others don’t eat enough. 

Make sure that your diet is nutritionally balanced and contains the necessary nutrients for your body’s functioning. If that’s a problem, you need to see your doctor or a dietitian for further help and advice. 

Trouble sleeping 

According to some specialists, you're more likely to win the lottery than get a good night's sleep while grieving. That’s particularly true at the beginning stages of grief due to the initial shock and trauma of your loss. 

Your TV, smart phone and other electronics release blue light which is perceived as sunlight and tricks your brain to keep you awake. If you struggle to get a good night’s sleep, stop using them at least an hour before you go to bed to give your brain the chance to relax. Read a book or journal in bed instead of watching a film or scrolling through social media. 

Remember that grief is determined by your relationship with the person who has died and the circumstances of their death. So, you may not experience all the symptoms in this article, and you may even experience symptoms we haven’t listed here. 

Either way, if your grief symptoms persist and if they affect your daily life, please make an appointment to see your doctor, talk to family or friends, or a bereavement specialist. 

Grief is not the same for everyone, and it doesn’t have an expiry date. Instead, it involves a range of emotions, feelings and actions. They are important parts of the grieving process and ignoring them or trying to disguise them in any way, is likely to result in complicated grief. 

A number of clinicians and psychiatrists have come up with different grief models which aim to explain the grieving process and help you make sense of it. Here are some of the most popular ones: 

Growing around grief 

Dr Lois Tonkin presents an alternative to the grief models which are based on different phases or stages of grief. His theory teaches us that grief is constant and it stays the same but those affected by it grow around it. This model is also known as the 'fried egg model of grief' - life is the big white circle and the yolk in the middle is the black hole left by the person who has died. The egg yolk is always there and forces us to grow our lives around it. 

Six R’s of Mourning 

Dr Therese Rando has developed a model in which she takes the different emotional states and grouped them into three categories - avoidance, confrontation and accommodation. The Six R’s of Mourning are: 

• Recognise the loss 
• React to the separation 
• Recollect and re-experience 
• Relinquish old attachments 
• Readjust 
• Reinvest 

Reconstruction of Meaning 

Robert A. Neimeyer sees grief as “a process of reconstructing a world of meaning which has been challenged by loss.” This model is particularly well-suited to those struggling to get back to “pre-loss level of functioning.” It employs constructivist therapy strategies in helping people to come to terms with their loss and find a way to move forward. 

Dual Process Model of Grief 

Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut’s theory divides the grieving process into loss-oriented and restoration-oriented process. The bereaved person oscillates between the two processes and in doing so, learns to balance the reality of their loss and learning to live life after it. 

The Dual Process Model of Grief is suitable for men and those who struggle to confront their feelings and emotions. It encourages bereaved people to use restoration-oriented activities such as learning new skills and forming new relationships as a way of coping with grief and moving forward with life. 

Four Tasks of Mourning 

William Worden suggests that to complete their grieving process and move forward, the someone experiencing a beareavement must accomplish four tasks: 

• Accept the reality of their loss 
• Process their grief and pain 
• Adjust to the world without their loved one in it 
• Find a way to maintain a connection to their lost loved one whilst embarking on their own life 

Five Stages of Grief 

Although this is the most popular grief model, it was originally developed by Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to explain the process terminally ill people go through after diagnosis. The Five Stages of Grief are: 

• Denial 
• Anger 
• Bargaining 
• Depression 
• Acceptance 

It’s worth noting that grief is not as linear and predictable as this model suggests. 

Whether you are grieving the loss of a partner, parent, child, sibling, friend or someone else close to you, please remember to take care of yourself. 

Although we live in a society which expects us to “be strong” and “carry on”, grief can consume your energy and demands your full attention, whether you like it or not. The only way to move forward and adapt to life without your loved one is to give yourself permission to grieve. Don’t let others define your grief and tell you how you should feel. 

Listen to your body 

Your body is perfectly capable of letting you know what it needs and when. Listen to it and eat if you feel hungry, drink water if you are thirsty and sleep when you feel tired. Get into the habit of exercising as it improves not just your physical but your mental health as well. When you exercise, your body produces endorphins which lift your mood and improve the way you feel. Learn some breathing exercises and meditation to help you calm down and reduce the stress you are going through. 

Don’t bottle up your emotions 

Pretending that you are OK when you are not does not make grief disappear. You need to go through the motions and find a healthy way of expressing your feelings. Talking to someone can help as can grief counselling – but if that’s not the way you do things, then there are other ways to help you achieve the same result. Start a journal and write about your feelings and thoughts in it. That can help you to validate your grief and enable you to work though it in a healthy way. 

While wanting to withdraw from public life and restrict yourself to the boundaries of your own home is quite normal under the circumstances but try to avoid it becoming a habit. Interacting with others and spending time with those close to you are important parts of the healing process. 

Family and friends 

Your family, friends and those close to you are your support network and you need to let them be there for you. Give them the chance to do what they can to make life easier for you at this difficult time. Don’t let your pride or independence get in the way. Be proactive and reach out to them. If appropriate, involve them in the funeral planning process or ask for second opinion on decisions you need to make. Let them know that they are an important part of your life. 

Support groups 

If you are not comfortable sharing grief with family and friends, support groups are available in person or online. These groups provide a safe environment in which you can share your feelings and draw inspiration from the experience of others. Grief creates a strong bond between people, and you can benefit from being among others who are on the same journey. 

More support around grief and bereavement.