Planning the ceremony

The easiest way into planning a ceremony is to talk about the person who has died rather than about arrangements. What they were like, what they loved, what made people laugh about them.

Almost every decision that follows answers itself once that conversation has happened. Your funeral director will have it with you, and will know what is possible locally.

Most ceremonies are held in a crematorium chapel, a church or other place of worship, or a cemetery chapel before a burial.

There are other options. Some families hold the ceremony somewhere that mattered to the person and go on to the crematorium afterwards, or hold a short committal first and a fuller celebration of life later, when everyone can gather. Ask your funeral director what is available near you, and how long you will have.

You have a real choice here.

Most ceremonies have music as people come in, one or two pieces during the ceremony, and something as everyone leaves. Anything is allowed – a hymn, a favourite record, a choir, a piper, a recording of them singing.

Readings can be religious, a poem, a passage from a book they loved, or something someone in the family has written. Tributes work best when they are short and specific: one memory told well says more than a life story.

Nobody has to speak. If someone wants to but is not sure they will manage it, they can write it and ask the celebrant to read it.

An order of service tells people what is coming and gives them the words to any hymns. It is also something families keep.

It usually carries a photograph, the person’s name and dates, the running order, and details of the wake or any donations. Your funeral director can arrange printing, or you can produce it yourself.

Small things often mean the most:

• a photograph or a slideshow as people arrive
• their own clothes, or a shirt in their team’s colours
• flowers that meant something, or a request for donations instead
• a personalised or colourful coffin
• an alternative hearse, from a horse-drawn carriage to a motorcycle
• asking people to wear bright colours rather than black
• something for children to do, such as drawing a picture to send in

If there is something you are not sure is possible, ask. It very often is.

Most families gather afterwards for a wake, at home or in a private room somewhere nearby. It does not have to be formal, and it is often the part people find most comforting.

If you would rather not hold one, that is fine too. Some families arrange something weeks later instead, when the first shock has passed.

More guidance on arranging a funeral.